My dreams

I’ve always had a vivid imagination. When I was little, I could easily lose myself in my own imaginary world surrounded by dragons, magic spells and talking animals. Even though I didn’t need help to create these magical places, my library card was regularly used and I was always reading something. One of my favourite memories is when I got my first Harry Potter book and my mum and I read it together as our quality time before bedtime.

Being a big dreamer has followed me all the way through my teenage years and into adulthood. My imagination has changed and taken different shapes as I’ve been grown up. In my late teenage years, I dreamt about travelling the world. I was longing to visit new places, for new experiences and to meet new people. I was curious about what the world had to offer and deep inside I knew that I would have to leave my small town. Just the thought of staying there, following the pattern of what a small town life “should” look like, gave me anxiety. At first, I wanted to move to the closest big city but that wasn’t enough for this young girl. No, instead I moved to the other side of the world, Australia. I can’t put my finger on what exactly I was looking for down there but oh boy, it ticked all my boxes. I had never felt so alive. Sunny weather, amazing people, beautiful places and the freedom to do whatever I wanted. It was in Australia that I first touched base with my true passion and the seed was planted for my future mission. Sadly, my time there came to its end eventually and it was time to move on.

My next stop was New Zealand. A beautiful place but for some reason I never felt like I belonged there. It was a short stay but I do cherish the memories. Like all the places I’ve visited before, I met more amazing people and saw even more stunning places. Even though this small country is one of the most beautiful places I’ve visited so far, I carried around a restlessness. That seed of passion that had taken its place inside of me was longing to be nourished. Once again, I packed my bags and headed to my next stop – England. From open spaces, beach weather and new cities, I was now back in Europe were London offered the opposite. Grey weather, pollution, old historical buildings and a constant vibe of ‘go go go’. Still, I loved the vibe and culture.

After a year of developing a feeling for the city and settling into my life there, I decided to tap into my passion. It was time to follow my gut feeling and dive into a new world of knowledge. I now carried a constant hunger of wanting more, to be something and my dreams were growing so much it left me with an ever-growing ache. After backpacking, I now had a longing to not only finding my future career, but I also wanted to feel grounded again. I was so tired of changing jobs, apartments and living out of a suitcase. The issue I was facing on the career front was that I never stayed in the same place which meant that I was stuck in time. Starting at the entry level at every job meant a low salary. If you haven’t been to London, then let me quickly say it is an expensive place to live. In the situation I was in, I wasn’t living, I was only surviving. The life I was living was as far away from my dream as it could possibly be and I couldn’t put my finger on what my passion actually was.

To quickly sum up a year or so, I ended up in the fitness world but realised it was not exactly what I was longing for either. I started my new studies and got myself a new job back in the hospitality industry. During this time I had my fair share of struggles, heartache, loss and headache. That small fire inside me was burning smaller then never before and I’ve never been so close to giving up. From the bottom of my heart, I wish I wasn’t such a big dreamer. Envy of being satisfied with a simple small-town life had started to grow like a black hole in my head. The longing to give up and move back home always came with anxiety. How do you give up being a big dreamer when it’s who you are? With every cell in my body telling me to keep looking and a daily reminder of Shawn Mendes song ‘it’s not in my blood’, I felt like breaking down. My mind was a constant battle.

My time was divided into a full-time job that I couldn’t stand being at, diving into my studies that lit me up like nothing before, building my own thing without any plan in place and hardly any clue what I was doing, indulging in self-development of all forms, and lastly, squeezing in self-care such as nourishing food and physical activity. The first punch of reality hit me one early morning, queuing up outside John Lewis waiting for them to open. As I was standing there, I took a good look at the city and the people passing by me. Suddenly a wave washed over me and I felt so toxic. The pollution in the city, the food and drinks I was consuming, some people around me and the job environment I was in. My body had been sending me these signals for months but I hadn’t understood them until now. My thyroid levels were unsteady, my stomach bloated, my energy was low, I had days of dizziness without explanation, my skin was breaking out and I had no power of taking care of myself. Being so knowledgeable about health, nutrition and fitness – I blankly ignore most of it. One late evening, sitting on my sofa I had my breakdown. With a blank mind, I sent my resignation letter and booked myself a trip to Spain. I felt absolutely nothing. No excitement, no panic. I had no plan in place and no idea what to do next. With hardly any money in the bank, 2 weeks left of my job and a few weeks away from losing my flat – I felt nothing. Just emptiness.

I kept up with everything like before and started a search for something. I had no clue what it was but I couldn’t just do nothing right? So I looked for mentors, jobs in every industry possible and reached out in all directions possible – online and offline. Nothing. My time was over at my work and my only income stream. I packed my bag and got ready for my trip to Spain. Some quality time with my best friend, sun, ocean and distance was exactly what I needed.

As a holistic health coach, I held all the answers to not only how to heal my body but also what I needed to do. Putting out all this information on social media but living a completely different life behind the curtains. It was time for me to not just talk the talk, but to walk the walk. On my very first day in Spain, I already felt a million times better. I poured my heart out to my friend, let my head run free and tried to live in the moment. It was the best medicine I’ve could have asked for.

My friend stayed with me for a few days, and after I waved her goodbye the last morning, I sat down at my computer. The warm light peaked in behind the curtains, I had my music playing calm songs, a cup of tea was cooling off on the table and I placed my hands on the keyboard ready to start studying. The moment was so peaceful that I had to capture it and upload it to my Instagram. I wrote something about enjoying the small things in life and then it struck me. The whole time sitting at the kitchen table in the small apartment I had a small smile at the corner of my lip. Tears started to build up my eyes. A rush of joy and calmness had spread through my body since the moment I arrived at the airport, and I didn’t even realise it. Was this the answer?

I had a couple of days left before heading back to London so I sucked on the idea like candy. Weighed up the different options in my head, built a plan, scratched my plan, looked into more options, set myself a deadline and got ready to head back. Now I had a date to hold on to. I wasn’t sure what my plan was still but at least I had an idea and a date.

Sitting on a plane back to London with a heavy heart, I wondered: Why am I going back? I couldn’t answer that question. Possibilities of what I can do pop up in my head but none felt 100% right. What was actually my dream and what is it that I want to do with it?

All I knew is that I feel heavy heading to London and I felt calm in Spain. Close to 3 years living in London and I still hadn’t figured out what I wanted to do, so was staying there going to help me? My fingers were typing so easily over the keyboard on this short flight and while the words were appearing on screen, I felt more like I’d made a mistake stepping on this plane. I knew it was time to close a chapter and open up a new one. I needed to follow my heart and listen to my body. A longing to heal my body has been lingering for months, maybe even years, and I’d started the process in London, without complete success.

The thought of moving scared me but the thought of staying left me feeling heavy. Sometimes you don’t know what’s right until you’re tried the wrong road. Without anything that held me back in London, then what did I really have to lose? Taking a step out in the unknown could be the right step forward. And if it isn’t, then who said it’s a final call? No one. It’s time to clear up my head and give my dreams space to show them self. It’s time I stop trying to control my path and let it appear to me. It’s time to be patient, trust the journey. The universe, I’m open and ready.

I am a big dreamer by heart and it’s from my heart my big dreams have come alive. I have a mission, a goal, a purpose to leave my footprints on this world. We are only here for a short time and I want to do my very best to make sure I make a difference while I am here. I know I can’t save everyone on this planet but I will do my very best to do my bit to turn around the health crises. By this, I’m hoping more children get the chance to see their parents growing up, lovers to grow old together, friends to make more memories and for you to live a more vibrant life.

This is me giving you a hint of my dreams.